New hair, who dis?

“Hair holds trauma”

A study that was conducted found that the average woman changes her hairstyle 36 times in her lifetime. For us normies, a bad haircut can leave us feeling embarrassed, but we get over it. But for famous female and non-binary celebrities, a haircut can make or break their career.

A woman cutting her hair in Hollywood is seen as a radical political statement and “rejection of femineity”.

“Unhinged, devil worshippers, crazy, addict and mid.” Just some of the stuff nasty incel’s type from their mother's basements.

Every “hate train” experienced by a female actress or singer can be traced back to a “bad” haircut. I have put the word “bad” as the haircuts have been labelled as so by men and the mainstream media. The haircuts aren’t bad, they just deviate from the incredibly high standards society has for women in the limelight. The hourglass figure, the perfect smile, the clear skin and long tresses that practically sweep the floor. Black female stars are held to an even higher standard than their white counterparts, with their natural hair seen as not fitting into the Eurocentric standard of beauty upheld by Hollywood. Body trends come and go, but black women can never win.

Doing something as simple as cutting your hair can change the trajectory of your career as a woman in Hollywood. The haircut-to-hate train pipeline is something I have noticed over the past few years so buckle in as we do a deep dive into how such a simple thing as a haircut can make or break a career.

Miley Cyrus:

Picture this. You spent your teens working 12-hour days and being the main breadwinner for your family.

Because let’s face it, your dad's washed-up country music career was not cutting it.

Every day at work they bring out the 30-inch buss-down wig for you to wear. You know that quote, “With great wigs comes great responsibilities”. Well, that quickly becomes the mantra you're forced to live by, and you have suddenly become a teen idol whose every move is criticised. The glass pedestal you have been put on is being held up by the four-album deal you signed with Hollywood Records, the four seasons of your hit tv show, the backpacks worn by millions of little girls that have your face plastered on them and a 30-inch, buss-down- synthetic -lace front wig, a wig cap and Got2b spray. There is no room for error and every move you make is being watched by the high-powered men in suits working for the mouse.

That was the reality for teen pop sensation and America’s former sweetheart Miss Miley Cyrus. I have a soft spot for Miley. She practically raised me (which is why she is rated so highly on my list of favourite nepo babies).

The only reason why I, a non-American, know the lyrics to “The Star-Spangled Banner” is from that one episode where Hannah forgets the lyrics to the national anthem on stage.

Miley spent her teens bending over backwards trying to avoid controversy after controversy to maintain her squeaky-clean image. Once Miley’s 4 album contract was complete and the final episode of “Hannah Montana” was aired it was only right for Miley to shed her teen pop idol skin and enter a new era of her life where she was finally going to be in control. When most white girls want to ‘find themselves’ they usually book a flight to India and on their return post a recipe of a traditional Indian dish they have gentrified and had endorsed by GOOP.

For Miley, cutting off her long locks was a way of finding out who she was after spending so much time playing someone else. In 2012 Miley chopped her hair off and debuted a platinum pixie cut. Miley said cutting her hair left her “feeling so happy” in her skin.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we were all envious of Miley’s hair, especially the long brown look.

So, when she cut her hair, 11-year-old me was DISTRAUGHT.

Miley cutting her was initially a shock. After all, she was known for her long locks and wigs. But once the shock wore off, came the hate.

Miley was labelled as a rebel and her haircut had psychologists chiming in

Deep it. Miley had actual psychologists psychoanalysing her over a HAIRCUT.

Los Angeles-based psychologist Dr Seth Meyers labelled Miley’s mundane decision of getting a haircut as a “cry out for attention”.

Granted, Miley did do some questionable things after the haircut. Her “Bangerz” era was a world away from her Disney days. When she wasn’t appropriating black culture, I do believe Miley was just doing rebellious teenage things with a billion eyes on her. Somehow it was all blamed on the haircut.

Katy Perry

Katy Perry changed the face of pop music after the release of “Teenage Dream” She paved the way for artists like Dua Lipa and broke numerous records. Katy scored 5 #1 singles from “Teenage Dream”, making her the second person in the chart's history to do so. Katy released her follow-up album in 2013 titled “Prism”. For both eras, Katy crafted a signature look that consisted of long brunette hair or colourful wigs in a pin-up style.

For a lot of pop stars, a new era is usually accompanied by a change of style. Katy decided to usher in her new “Witness” era with blonder hair but after a botched dye job that left her hair falling out, she opted for a white-blonde pixie cut.

I liked the look. It allowed her to serve face because the hair was out of the way. The girls that get it, get it.

Compared to her previous eras, the “Witness” era was at the time Katy Perry’s least commercially successful era. I do believe her “beef” with Taylor Swift impacted the success of the album, but I, unfortunately, believe that her change in hairstyle saw the birth of her hate train. Katy’s new look was very reminiscent of Miley Cyrus's 2013 pixie cut. And like Miley, the focus was on her hair and not the music. People were more concerned with why Katy changed her hair. It’s the same thing with Florence Pugh, J-law and Anne Hathaway. People are more focused on how they look instead of their craft.

For years the YouTube conspiracy theorists (who operate from the same dark and mouldy basements) were convinced that Katy Perry was part of the Illuminati.

I think the “Witness” era destroys this argument.

Do you really think the Illuminati would let her album and era flop like that?

All I know is that the internet owes Katy Perry a MASSIVE apology. The hate she received was completely unwarranted. We failed the godmother of pop.

Doja Cat

Now Doja. Where do I even begin?

The weirdos are out here calling Doja a devil worshipper who sold her soul to the devil after she shaved her hair and got a few tattoos.

If one was to theoretically make a deal with Satan himself, would the fruits of this deal not be major chart success and popularity?

I think Doja must have misread the contract she signed with Satan (or was it the Illuminati?) because she is out here fighting her fans and losing 250,000 followers every two days. She needs her phone snatched and Wi-Fi disconnected. Expeditiously.

We are watching the birth of the Doja hate train and she is fuelling that engine herself, Doja’s decision to stand by her man despite several allegations of inappropriate behaviour being made against him, is going to see her career implode.

Emma Watson

Now Emma had the masses MAD when she cut her signature Hermione Granger locks into a pixie cut. Emma described how men hated her short hair and would often voice their dislike to her face.

They hated her hair but at the end of the day she was booked, busy and laughing her way to the bank.

Demi Lovato

I could write a whole essay on how Demi has been mistreated and is not this horrible, problematic person the internet has painted them as being.

The Demi hate train is the mother of all hate trains but if you asked internet trolls why they hate her so much I promise you they won’t have an answer. Demi went through hell and back, almost died, almost married a stalker and was mistreated by management who would lock her in a room and control everything they ate.

Demi also came out as non-binary and uses she/they pronouns. For Demi, cutting their hair was “liberating” and allowed them to be free from “sexuality norms placed on them as a Christian from the south”. Demi spent years trying to craft this picture-perfect idealised version of themselves. They had no control over the type of music they were making, the clothes they wore on stage, hairstyles and even the food they were eating.

After signing with Scooter, Demi was allowed to release music they love and venture into other things like ghost and alien hunting. In 2021 Demi released “Unidentified with Demi Lovato”, where she brought viewers on a road trip in search of definitive answers to some of the biggest questions about extra-terrestrial life.

The internet CLOWNED Demi for the show and labelled her as “unstable” and “weird”. A lot of the hate was fuelled by transphobes who attempted to paint Demi as “a soul lost to Hollywood liberalism”.

Demi has been labelled an “attention seeker” and “problematic” for choosing to be their authentic selves.

Also, the US government revealed this month that aliens do exist.

So, you best apologise if you ever called her crazy.

Britney Spears

Somebody else who deserves a massive apology wrapped up in a pretty bow is Britney Spears.

On February 16, 2007, Britney went into a hair salon in the middle of the night and proceeded to shave her hair in front of the shocked paparazzi.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A lot of people looked at the images of Britney and saw a pop star who had lost her marbles.

When in reality, Britney was just tired. Tired of the lack of control she had in her life. Tired of being followed everywhere and not being able to just live her life. According to the owner of the salon, Britney shaved her hair because she was sick of people touching her hair.

There is one picture of Britney that always upsets me. Britney Spears was carrying her baby and pregnant with her second child when she was chased by over 300 paparazzi. She ran into a cafe hoping the manager would help but they laughed and took pictures of her crying

Jada Pinkett-Smith

2022 was a big year for Will Smith. He won his first Oscar and gave us ‘Slapgate’. If you’ve living under a rock, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock and then proceeded to take the stage and accept his Academy Award for Best Actor.

Chris Rock, for some stupid reason, thought it was ok to make fun of Jada’s shaved head on such a prestigious stage. The horrible joke left Jada feeling upset, understandably, as she had previously revealed she had shaved her hair after developing alopecia.

Chris Rock.

That slap was not hard enough if you ask me. I do not condone violence. Unless it's towards men who speak on women’s business.

Dear readers

I can name many others who have been subjected to sexist and misogynistic hate that can be linked to their hair. It all comes down to bodily autonomy and men thinking they can control how women look to fit into their nasty fantasies.

So, girlies, keep getting your haircut how YOU want. If you want to be a bald baddie, be that bald baddie! Keep dressing the way YOU want and live your life for YOU

xxx